Bella's new beginning
by LoveIsEdwardBella
Summary: Edward left Bella in New Moon and she struggles to recover and move on with her life. Finally leaving Forks for college where she meets a very familiar lecturer. Bella & Edward then struggle to work through all their hurt and pain. Will love prevail?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight. It belongs to the amazing Stephanie Meyer!

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Bella

It was my first day of classes at the University of Washington, I had told myself it was also the first day of my new life...well...I could hope, but I knew it was in vain, I couldn't start a new life while I was so damaged and still caught up in what I thought of as my past life, my life in Forks, the time when I was happy and whole, my time with Edward... I cringed, it was still difficult to think of him, let alone think his name, when I did it just tugged at the still gaping and painful hole in my chest, the whole containing my broken heart, broken with the knowledge that the love of my life and I had hoped existence, doesn't love me and left me, even worse taking my beloved family with him, without even saying goodbye. How I missed them, especially Alice, my best friend and Emmett...I even missed his chest crushing bear hugs...God I even missed Rosalie.

But I quickly snapped myself out of these damaging thoughts, nothing but pain would come from them, they were not coming back, they had probably forgotten about me. So here I was at uni majoring in what else but Literature, driven by my need and passion to escape into the world of literature and other people's lives. I was living on campus, sharing a dorm with Angela, my best friend from Forks, we got along perfectly, she didn't pester me asking if I was ok, she knew I wasn't, but didn't dwell on the fact, she just tried to keep me functioning and aware of life in general, she helped keep me sane enough to get here to uni and I was grateful to her for that, but our friendship was limited, she was still madly in love with her Ben and I couldn't bear to be around them for too long, the love they shared brought back too many painful memories. But Angela, God bless her, could see the pain this caused me and didn't hold that against me, to which I was extremely grateful for.

I had after much agonising, decided I needed to leave Forks and break free of the iron cage of memories there. I had given in to Charlie's pestering and sent off a couple of college applications, and managed to act mildly happy we I was accepted into Washington Uni. I was sad to leave Charlie and my friend Jacob behind, but knew that if I didn't get out now, that I probably wouldn't have the courage or the strength to leave Forks and my memories behind.

Finally putting my walking day dreams aside, which was quite a risky act for me, when walking needed my full concentration so I wouldn't trip over the smooth flat floor. I eventually walked into my first class, English classical literature, excited by the prospects of analysing my beloved Wuthering Heights and Austen classics. The class was not overly big, only about 50 people or so, it was in a small circular lecture theatre so it was quite full by the time I walked in. I made my way to a seat in the fifth row on the left side of the room, nodding hello to the people next to me and then turning towards the front of the classroom. I was idly scanning the room while waiting for the lecturer to enter when I caught a familiar face in the crowd across the room. My breath caught on a gasp and my heart thumped awake, I took a double take... but yes it was...

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	2. Chapter 2 Gasping for breath

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight!

Chapter 2: Gasping for breath

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Previously:

_I was idly scanning the room while waiting for the lecturer to enter when I caught a familiar face in the crowd across the room. My breath caught on a gasp and my heart thumped awake, I took a double take... but yes it was..._

Alice! I gasped...

I forgot to breathe...

I stared...and stared

Finally my brain began to function again. Alice stared back, an equal look of surprise on her pale beautiful face, oh how I had missed my best friend; my memories did not do her justice... But then I suddenly thought why is she surprised, shouldn't she have seen me coming?

Then I realised they would have forgotten about me and that Edward would probably have told Alice not to look for my future. These hurtful thoughts pulled painfully at my newly thumping heart and I couldn't help my thoughts turning to hope that if Alice is here, maybe Edwa... he will be here too.

Stop! I told myself, he doesn't want you, he left you, he doesn't love you. Even if he is here, he probably won't want to see you. He's probably involved with someone else, someone beautiful, someone more suitable, a Vampire...Tanya...Yes she would be perfect for him. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around my body, trying to hold it together, to not fall apart with the pain. STOP! I thought, I can't do this, I can't think like this...it's meant to be a New Beginning remember, this is definitely not the way to go about starting one.

This whole time I was still staring in wonder at Alice, why was she here, what were the odds of us both being here. I wanted to leap across the room full of people and jump into her cold beautiful arms and beg her to never leave me again. To just hold me tight and say that it was all going to be alright.

But I knew this wasn't going to happen and I wouldn't draw the class's unneeded attention to the resident vampire in their midst and the would- be crazy girl sobbing in her arms. No, I mustered all my inner strength to protect myself and broke eye contact, bringing my eyes back towards the centre of the class room, to the lecturer's desk. Avidly staring at it, begging myself not to look back at her beautiful golden eyes. I needed this valuable time before I had to see her to think about what I would do, run out of the class? Confront her? Breakdown in her arms? I didn't even know how I was feeling, to know how to act; I was feeling so many conflicting emotions, anger, hurt, joy, hope... This was too much, I couldn't handle this, I didn't need this. WHY ME? Then I thought, yeah right Bella, you've got it so tough don't you, there are people starving and dying you know!

I tried to calm myself and my raging thoughts, while still keeping my arms protectively wrapped around myself. Alice hadn't changed a bit, which I should have expected, her being a vampire and all, but still, to see her unchanged after so much time had passed, was still confronting. I wondered what she thoughts of the changes in me, I wasn't so naive to think she wouldn't notice how thin and pale I was, that was what happened when you were living inside a broken hollow shell. She would notice that I was older... yeah older than him! The thought intruded into my musings. Well it doesn't matter anymore does it...

What does matter I wondered...?

My fragile sense of self I thought, I need to keep it together, do what's right for me, I don't think Charlie, Angela and Jacob could endure me falling apart again, I didn't think I had the strength left for it either. So whatever happened with Alice, I would deal with, but if it got too much, I'd leave, it worked for them right, perhaps it would work for me too. With that I instantly felt calmer, I always felt better once the decision was made, it was always the agonising over options which caused me worry, the decision, once made, always made me feel calmer and in control.

Felling better I began to be more aware of what was going on around me and time itself... seriously where was the lecturer... class was was supposed to start five minutes ago. Being the first day and all, most students were already early to the class, nervous about beginning classes, so I was surprised the lecturer was not here already to greet us...Well maybe its he or she's first day as well, and they are just as nervous as us...

My thoughts of the lecturer's lateness were interrupted by the lecture himself appearing, coming through the door, apologizing profusely for being late, sighting some family emergency, but that all was well now...

Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped and gasped...gasping for desperately needed breath, my arms wrapped tighter and tighter around my body...it couldn't be...

I...

can't...

handle this... I screamed in my head!

...It was him!

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	3. Chapter 3 Inside my shell

A/N: Hey everyone! Another chapter for you YAY! I just wanted to say thanks to all of those people who have added me to their alerts and fav's, it's awesome! And to the amazing people that have reviewed, you guys ROCK! I love reviews...anyway on with the show!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight!

_Previously:_

_My thoughts of the lecturer's lateness were interrupted by the lecture __himself__ appearing, coming through the door, apologizing profusely for being late, sighting some family emergency, but that all was well now..._

_Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_I gasped and gasped...gasping for desperately needed breath, my arms wrapped tighter and tighter around my body...it couldn't be..._

_I..._

_can't..._

_handle this... I screamed in my head!_

_...It was him!_

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Breathe ...

It's...it's...its Edward!

He's the lecturer!

Oh this keeps getting better and better! A new beginning YEAH RIGHT! More like back to mental breakdown land. My arms were instinctively wrapped around me so tight it was not helping my gasps for breath; I had to mentally yell at my arms to loosen themselves.

He was as beautiful and as perfect as ever, he hadn't changed at all, his hair, his skin, his ...I was going to say his eyes but he hasn't looked up at me yet, surely Alice would be mentally screaming at him that I was here. Then I thought maybe she's already told him and that's why he's ignoring me, because surely my scent alone would be enough to tip him off, but maybe it wasn't as strong to him as he let on, he's lied to me before about loving me, maybe he had lied about this too. I thought further maybe I was the reason why he was late to class, perhaps Alice had tipped him off about me and he had just been contemplating not showing up to the class at all and face the prospect of having to see me. Then I thought that it was more likely that he would have forgotten all about me when he left and that there really was a family emergency and that he just didn't really care that I was here in his class. God, I don't know what to think anymore! My thoughts were going around and around in my head, I had to calm down, people around me were giving me funny looks because of my breathing difficulties and I mentally begged myself to calm down and thought if he was ignoring me, then I could ignore him too.

Edward made his way to the lecturer's desk in the middle of the room and then set up his notes and a copy of the text we were study for the week, Pride & Prejudice, just looking at it made me smile and feel instantly calmer, the world of literature was my sanctuary, so much safer than real life, which for me, was full of pain and hurt. Edward then, as this was the first class for the semester, began to take a roll call for the class. I mentally zoned out until I heard "...Swan" and instantly snapped my head to look at him "Is there an Aaron Swan" he said again, and I calmed myself, it wasn't me, but I knew I would be next, he was going to have to say my name at least, he couldn't ignore that.

Then "Bel..." my eyes snapped again to look at him, hearing him start to say my name and our eyes met, his eyes were more beautiful than ever, the golden topaz I loved and saw in my dreams every night was there, but these eyes also looked to filled with pain when they clashed with mine across the room. We stared at each other for what seemed minutes, but were only a few seconds, he's eyes then flinched like someone had yelled to catch his attention; I instantly thought Alice must have told him to snap out of it. He then began again "Bel..." but stopped when he saw the pain and anger quickly appear in my eyes and instead said quietly "Isabella Swan". I hesitated; I struggled to find my voice and gingerly eventually managed to croak out a faint "yes", quickly averting my eyes from his to stare out the window. He paused for a few more seconds and then slowly continued on with the role and the rest of the class. While I mentally retreated once again into my cracked and broken shell, only quickly emerging every now and again to snatch glimpses of my love when he was facing the other side of the room, storing them away for later when they wouldn't be so painful and to be something to keep for myself when he leaves again.

Before I knew it the people in the classroom were packing up their belongings and starting to leave the room, class had finished, but it felt to me like only minutes had passed. I guess I was kind of used to this, back in Forks, just after he... after he left me; I used to lose whole hours, even days when I was inside my shell. I continued to just sit in my chair, staring out the window, while the classroom emptied and became silent. I then slowly turned my attention back to the room and noticed that Alice was sitting perfectly still in her chair across from me, only her eyes moving, flickering back and forth between me and him. I bet she wished that Jasper was next to her, so he could tell her how I was feeling, how I was reacting. Well, thank God he's not I thought, I didn't want them to know, and I definitely didn't want Edward to know I still loved him; they would laugh at me, poor Bella, still in love with Edward after all this time.

I turned to look at him then, he was standing perfectly still behind the lecturer's desk, the look of pain still in his eyes and his brows were knitted together in what looked like uncertainty or confusion, and I thought why does he look like he's in pain...it was his decision...then I thought well maybe it's just the idea of seeing me again, he probably doesn't want to have to talk me. Yeah that's it, the realisation quickly made me snap out of my stupor and I quickly grabbed my things and got up from my seat and ran out of the classroom as fast as I could, quickly noting two things at once, Edward tense and take a single step towards me, his eyes flashing with pain across them, and then Alice finally speaking quietly "Edward no...let her go".

I didn't stop running until I had reached my favourite corner, or more accurately, hiding spot in the back corner of the top floor of the library. I sat on the floor hidden between the musty book stacks and caught my breath, what is going on...what the hell do I do! Arghh I screamed internally, I can't handle this. I tried to distract myself, thinking how amazing it actually was that I didn't trip or fall over a single thing on my way here, which is remarkable considering how upset I was. I was quite proud of myself; maybe all I needed to stop myself from tripping over was to be an emotionally fraught wreck! This made me smirk and a slight laugh escaped my throat.

Okay...okay...what to do...

...I'll just withdraw from the class! Yes, I can do this subject next semester; surely he won't want to hang around near me for another semester. Yes, I'll try and swap into Contemporary literature; I was going to do it next semester anyway, so it will all work out in the end, I felt instantly better after having made my decision. I wouldn't have to see him then, save him the trouble of having to talk to me. I reached into my bag from my enrolment details and noted that if I wanted to change subjects I would have to see my subject coordinator who would be in room 3.16 of the lecturer's hall.

Well I thought, getting up off the floor feeling calmer already, room 3.16 it is...

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	4. Chapter 4 Room 316

A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for reading!

I just want to thank everyone who has added me to their fav's and alerts and especially to those that have reviewed: _americanlatinajapanesegirl_, _KTOTH_, _myimaginationxoxo_, _ph0enix7_ and _TwilightCrazy95_

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight!

BPOV

By the time I started up the third flight of stairs in the lecturer's building my confidence was beginning to wane and my feet started dragging. I began thinking what exactly is my excuse for wanting to change classes?...I couldn't just say...well my lecturer is my long lost vampire lover who no longer loves me and I want to switch to save him the pain of having to see me! Yeah I thought that would go down real well!

I was nearly to the door of room 3.16 now...what do I say!...Arghh I don't know, but I was knocking now, I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to get it over with so I could go home and fall to pieces, I would think of something when I saw the subject coordinator.

"Come in" came a muffled soft voice through the door...so I have a male coordinator. I gently opened the door stepping through, looking at the floor as I did this and turning around to face the door as I shut it again, I was nervous, I wanted to delay this so I could think of an excuse...but I couldn't delay any longer, I placed by bag on the floor near the door and I turned around to face my subject coordinator, ready to say hello and introduce myself, when my words died on my lips...

FUCK!!!

Oh my god!!

Arghh!!!

My subject co-ordinator is...is...him...is Edward, I winced. Oh great, this new beginning keeps getting better and better, what next I thought, but then I cringed, I shouldn't think like that, with my luck, then next thing could and would be worse than this! But I couldn't grasp how it could get much worse than this.

I just stood there staring at him for I don't know how long, while he just stared right back from where he sat on his chair in front of his desk. God he's beautiful, how I miss him...no Bella you can't think like this...finally my thoughts broke through my yearning and I remembered why I was here and what I had to do. Edward seemed to see me snap out of my trance and gave a slight smile, but it didn't reach his eyes "Bella" he said softly, pain flashing again across his eyes like earlier, I internally flinched, gee he must really not want to see me I thought. Well that was why I was here, so he wouldn't have to...suffer. "Edward" I said, god the pain from having to say it out loud, one of my arms instinctively wrapped my body trying to hold me together to get this over with.

EPOV

My beautiful Bella is here, right in front of me, as beautiful as ever and most importantly, still alive. I was so happy I couldn't believe it, we thought she had died, Alice stopped seeing her a month after we left, and when we called the house, we heard about Charlie going to the funeral, and that was when I thought I had truly died. I tried so hard to go the Volturi so I could die and be with my beautiful Bella, but my family would not let me out of their sight, someone was always with me throughout that first year or so, and eventually I began to see that I could not go and hurt my family and especially Esme that way. I began to think that maybe I deserved this, to be punished throughout the rest of my existence with the pain of leaving Bella, knowing that I wasn't there, that I had broke her heart...I was a broken man.

But recently I had tried very hard, for my family's sake, to get my life back on track, a new beginning, because I didn't think they could take much more of my pain, especially Jasper, who couldn't really be around me much, because my pain was just so powerful and it caused him real pain also, no matter how much he tried to alleviate it, the pain was ever present and tearing at me.

I snapped out of my thoughts, hearing Bella say my name and flinched when I saw the pain in her eyes and her arm wrap around herself. God what had I done, she looks so lost and broken, I will never, never hurt her like that again, never...she's so thin and pale and has shadows under her eyes, she's not sleeping. She could almost pass for a vampire now; I wondered what she would think of that. "Bella what are you doing here". I thought I had asked innocently, but perhaps I could have phrased it better, because she flinched again in pain and her arm gripped herself tighter.

"Are you my subject co-ordinator?" She asked tentatively, not really meeting my eyes.

"Yes, Bella, I am" God I loved saying her name, now I knew she was alive.

"Ok...well...I would like to withdraw from classical literature this semester"

Now I flinched, "My class?"

"Umm Yes, ....umm I...want...to do contemporary literature first instead...umm I think I would like it better"

We both new that was a lie, she loved the classics above all, but I would not shame her. I slowly got up out of my chair and she slightly moved backward before she could stop herself. "Unfortunately Bella, contemporary literature is completely full this semester, they can't take another enrolment, as are the other literature classes this semester, I'm sorry, you'll just have to stay in my class" this last bit came out angry but I had not intended that at all, I didn't want to hurt her again, but the look of pain and... loathing when she heard that she would have to stay in my class just got to me.

"Fine" she said, my angry tone getting to her, and that beautiful flush crept up her cheeks, "I'll just have to endure it then" she said, not looking at me any longer and turned abruptly to exit the room, going to yank the door handle open, but in her anger and before I could warn her, she yanked the door handle to open the door, but the door didn't budge, except for the handle coming off completely in her hand, the force of her pull sending her backwards across the room to land on her bottom near my feet.

"Sorry Bella, the door handle is...I mean was a bit iffy, I was waiting for maintenance to come and fix it"

Bella was still sitting on the floor, just looking at the door handle in her hand "I'm sorry Edward".

"It's okay" I told her, "you didn't mean it, I should have asked them to hurry up and fix it sooner, it's a bit of a health risk, what if there was a fire, we'd be trapped" I shuddered at the thought. Bella seemed to come to "What do you mean trapped, can't we just pull the door open" she almost screamed, jumping to her feet and trying to pull the door open with her bare hands, working herself into a frenzy. "Bella, it's ok, I'll just call maintenance to quickly come get us out, clam down". I quickly made the call and they said they would be about ten minutes, I said ok, but hurry and hung up. I could have kicked the door out myself, but I didn't want to draw attention and have to explain, I was also in shock at seeing my Bella and I would take any time I could get with her.

Bella was still trying to pull the door open, working herself further into a frenzy, I thought she might be going to have a panic attack, I didn't remember her being claustrophobic before and I thought the prospect of being stuck with me wasn't the end of the world! I heard a sniffle, and that broke my heart, I couldn't help myself, I went across to the door and turned Bella around and pulled her into my arms. God I've missed her, my throat burned from her beautiful scent, but I welcomed it, I welcomed her, I welcomed everything about her, my love. She was shocked at first by my approach, struggling with her panic and then, coaxed by my soothing words and my hands rubbing her back and holding her head to my chest, she began to relax and held me back. BLISS, I wanted to shout my joy, my Bella was back in my arms.

I held her for what felt like hours but was really only minutes, my arms holding her warm body tight, my hands roving across her back and arms, Bella brought her face into the crook of my neck, and when I felt her warm breath on my neck and jaw, I couldn't help myself, I brought my hand up under her chin and brought her beautiful lips to mine, giving her the most sweet and gentle kiss I ever have and she didn't resist me, sighing softly and kissing me back. Her sigh is what did it, it was so beautiful, I literally couldn't help myself, the lust just went straight through me and a little growl escaped my throat and I pushed her against the door, pushing my cold hard body against her warm soft one and kissed her deeply and passionately, we couldn't get enough of each other, our tongues and lips melding with all our pent up lust and emotions. This was the most out of control we have ever been, but I couldn't think about anything but having her.

But Bella suddenly stilled in my arms...what was wrong, I continued to press gentle kisses to her jaw, but Bella just put her hands onto my chest and pushed me back, and I went willingly, I would never do anything she didn't want. "No Edward" she said softly, "I... we can't do this...you don't have to, I understand" and turned around to bang on the door, shouting for help and someone to get her out. What was she talking about, I don't have to?

Bella was working herself into a frenzy again, tears streaming down her cheeks, her fists banging on the door. I went to comfort her again "Bella" putting my hand gently on her back, "No Edward" she cried, "I'm ok you don't have to do this, I just want to get out and everything will be ok" she cried, banging on the door screaming to get out now. What is going on her head I thought, but these thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice on the other side of the door, "stand back Bella, I'll get you out", it was Alice. Bella moved back, still sobbing, not looking at me. Alice gently kicked the door open and stood in the doorway surveying the situation, me standing in the corner, and Bella sobbing frantically in the middle of the room. I could see through Alice's mind that Bella stopped crying and gave Alice a quick smile before flying out the door without a backwards glance. Edward, Alice thought, what did you do to her, and I don't just mean now, she looks so broken Edward, you have to be gentle with her, take it slow, if not, I've seen it, she'll run away and she then tried to block out the image of Bella in a mangled car wreck, I flinched. Alice I will never, never hurt Bella again, I love her so much, I want her back...

Yeah Edward I know, Alice thought...but Edward I'm not so sure she knows that, Bella's got a long memory and words stick you know, think about that, take it slow. I love you Edward and I love Bella too, I want my best friend back ok.

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Ooohh can anyone say slow seduction!!

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	5. Chapter 5 Missing you

A/N: Aww only two reviews for the last chapter...I'm so sad...don't you like it?

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight!

BPOV

I was running down the stairwell of the lecturer's building, I didn't have the patience to wait for the lift. Finally as I rounded the corner, I eyed the last step and the door that would be my freedom, but of course me being Bella, I misjudged the last step and fell awkwardly falling forward landing on my knees and painfully on my wrist... I slowly rolled over to sit on my bottom, contemplating what had just happened and gingerly began to move my wrist. Ok it's not broken, thank god...but it really hurts. I felt tears begin to creep into my eyes...no, I wouldn't cry yet, not here, that was for later.

After having a minute to feel sorry for myself I quickly got up, wiped down my knees and was just about to run towards the door, that signalled freedom, when I heard light footsteps coming down the stairwell, instantly panic rose up in my chest and my heart started thumping, I couldn't let them see me. I launched myself towards the door, pushing it open with all my might and just as I was escaping to freedom, I heard a faint angel's voice cry "Bella" so softly and gently, trying to disguise the pain there. That's what did it, what made me stop, I could handle my own pain, but the pain in that voice, it tore at my heart, I wanted to heal the pain in that voice, that one voice...

I finally stopped running and slowly turned in the shade of a giant oak tree to face my pursuant, and there I saw her... my best friend... "Alice" I whispered, even though she was across the courtyard, I knew she would hear me. She had stopped still when I had turned, but the instant I said her name she lightly and gracefully as only Alice could, walked across the grass to stand in front of me and then caught me as I collapsed sobbing into her arms. "Oh Alice" I sobbed, "I...I...I'm so...I...oh God Alice, I can't believe you're really here" and I wrapped my arms tighter around her, revelling in her familiar scent and the feeling of her cold hard skin that I have so yearned for. "How could you leave me...without a goodbye...please Alice", if Alice could cry I knew she would be, she was hiccupping her body shaking with emotion like mine.

"Oh Bella" she said with such raw emotion, "I'm so sorry, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but he made us all promise, and I've regretted it from that very day...please believe me Bella, I love you, we all love you.."

'No Alice! Don't say that" I instantly tensed and released my arms from around her and stepped back, looking at her with pain in my eyes, she hesitantly let me go, "It's not true, please don't ever say that again...I know you love me, and I love you, your my best friend, but after he...after that... I....I know not all of you...love me" and I held up my hand to stop her as she was going to say something "and I'm ok with that...I don't want to talk about it. I'm just so glad you're here" and I moved back into her open arms and Alice sighed softly letting her argument go and just held me while I sobbed out some of my heartache.

"Ok Bella" she said softly into my hair and then said so softly under her breath "what has he done to you", I think she forgot that I was used to vampires talking so softly and that I could hear her. After a while she said "Ok I think it's time for a snack"

I pulled back at looked at her instantly to see if she was serious, she was...and then she saw the look on my face and instantly replayed back what she had said "oh...sorry Bella not that, I meant I think it's time for you to get something to eat, your skin and bones Bella, you've got to look after yourself" and she gently touched my wrist, she already knew how I did it probably, "we...I mean I... want you to look after yourself ok, try not to fall down and break anything ok, I'm here now...so let's get you something to eat ok"

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I finally let myself into my dorm room, quickly giving Alice a wave before she turned and left down the hall. We'd had a nice afternoon, after she made sure I had a decent meal and some coffee, we had spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in the park enjoying the warm cloudy day talking about useless information and stories, it was all light-hearted and neither of us mentioned him...after a while I said I had better get back and Alice had walked me to my dorm room on the second floor. At my door she hugged me again and said "God I missed you Bella...never again...I'll see you soon ok", I had tears in my eyes and I hugged her back and then just nodded to her and turned to find my key and let myself in.

Thank god Angela wasn't home yet, I quickly shut the door and turned my back to it and slid down it coming to rest on the floor, wrapping my arms around myself, tucking my legs up into a ball and quietly sobbed and went over what had happened today, my thoughts were flying around, but one continually kept popping up, his beautiful lips softly kissing mine, and mine kissing him back...arghh I groaned, what was I thinking, he was just pitying me, trying to distract me so I wouldn't freak out! Arghh I was so angry with myself, this was not the way to go about having a new beginning Bella, I huffed, getting up off the floor and going to the freezer to get some frozen peas to put on my wrist, it was really starting to throb now and I grabbed a glass of water and took some tylenol and went to my bedroom and slumped on my bed and waited for sleep to claim me.

EPOV

I had spent the afternoon in my office staring blankly at my computer, continually replaying in my thoughts what had happened with Bella and also what Alice had said. I was so foolish, I could see how hurt Bella was, and then I just had to kiss her didn't I! Way to take it slow Edward... but I took some joy in knowing that she did kiss me back, it was still there, the passion. I'm so sorry Bella...so sorry my thoughts cried, but I knew she couldn't hear me, she didn't know it. Eventually the maintenance guys had turned up to fix the door, two hours later; thank God Alice had shown up sooner than that otherwise Bella would've passed out from hysterics if she'd been stuck with me for much longer. I liked to think I would have had the strength to let her go and broke the door down for her, but I wasn't so sure I would've wanted to lose any time I could possibly have with her.

It was twilight when I finally had enough and turned away from my computer. I got up and went to turn the light switch off near the door when I kicked something soft; huh...nothing's normally there? I looked down and that's when I saw Bella's bag, she must have forgotten it when she left...or more likely when she ran away. I picked it up, God its smells like Bella, I gently inhaled and I felt venom begin to creep into my mouth, but I squashed it down, that wasn't a problem for me anymore, I could control myself and I could fully appreciate her smell for what it was now...beautiful.

I quickly contemplated my options about what I could do with her bag, I knew Alice had gone after Bella, I knew I could call her and ask her to give it back to Bella, but I quickly quashed that option. No I wanted to give it back to her myself, taking the opportunity to see her again any way I could get and of course I knew where Bella lived, I had looked up her records as soon as I got back to the office after she had run out of class. I knew she lived on campus and shared a dorm with Angela. I quickly stepped out of my office and locked the door and swiftly made my way down the stairs, no one was around to question my speed and the sooner I got there the better.

I made my way up to the second floor of the dorms, trying to blend in as a student not as a lecturer, it helped that I looked so young. I finally made it to Bella's door and hesitated briefly before gently knocking...nothing happened...I gently knocked again and the door opened...

"Yessss...oh...it's...you" came Angela's soft shocked voice as she stared at me in shock for a couple of seconds before she then remembered what had happened to Bella, and looked at me sternly.

"What are you doing here Edward?"

"Bella left her bag earlier, I just wanted to give it back to her and make sure she was ok"

"She was with you..." Angela stated sounding surprised

"She didn't say anything" I asked curiously

"No when I got back she was asleep in her room, I think she hurt herself again and took some medication to help her sleep"

My breath hitched, panic gripping me "She hurt herself? Is she ok" I asked desperately, pain flashing in my eyes.

Angela flinched back, "yeah I think she might have just sprained her wrist" she said quietly, but acknowledging the pain in my eyes.

"Angela please" I practically begged "please let me go see her, I just want to check if she's ok and give her bag back, please I won't wake her, I promise" and I gave her my sweetest dazzling smile.

I think the smile was wasted on her, she was too smart for that, but I think the pain and love in my eyes shone through and she stepped back to let me in but whispered fiercely "If you hurt her again Edward that's it, you don't get another chance, she won't be able to handle it again".

I turned to face Angela in the door way and said "I will never hurt again, never, the only reason I left was to protect her, and now I see what it did to her, I will never forgive myself. I love her so much, I never stopped loving her, she's my life". Angela gave a slight nod after my impassioned speech and gently shut the door before pointing to Bella's bedroom door and then moving to her own room and quietly shutting her door, giving me a second chance I hoped I deserved and could make right...and I would...there was no other option, I could no longer live without my love...me Bella.

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Thanks to everyone for reading!

Please review, I need the incentive to write and reviews really make me smile!

Luv Morgs xxxooo

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	6. Chapter 6 Sleeping Beauty

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters; unfortunately I'm not S.M either...I just have my mischievous way with her characters!

EPOV

I slowly approached Bella's door hesitant about what would happen... do I knock? It would be rude not to but I knew she was asleep, I could hear her steady breathing and heartbeat, how I missed the beautiful sight of Bella sleeping. I didn't want to wake her but... Just do it Edward I thought, you've waited this long. I slowly raised my hand to the dark wood of her closed bedroom door and gave two quick very quiet knocks...

I held my breath and listened...but her breathing continued on steadily. I slowly reached for the metal door handle and my memory quickly flashed to the image of Bella earlier in the day on the floor in my office holding my door handle, I quickly smirked at the image then slowly twisted the door handle quietly and opened the door, my memories quickly flashed to how I used to normally get into Bella's bedroom, through her window... then my thoughts went to the way Bella was usually awake waiting for me with her arms open, this sobered me up, I knew she definitely wasn't going to have her arms open for me today.

I quickly pushed the door open all the way and then ever so quietly shut it again. I then turned towards the bed and the sight took my breath away, she was so beautiful...perfection. Bella was sprawled on her stomach on top of the blankets, her beautiful hair flowing over her back and what must have been her injured wrist was wresting up next to her face on the pillow and what used to be frozen peas, had now fallen down the back of the pillow off her sore wrist. The idea of Bella experiencing pain made my heart ache, I hated the thought of Bella in pain... well my mind flashed, maybe you should hate yourself after all the pain you've caused her! Well I thought, that's all going to change, I will never hurt her again, and I'm going to make sure she knows it, Bella's forgiveness and love is all that I seek, all that I live for.

Suddenly I heard Bella's heart stutter and her breath hitch, I tensed, I thought she was going to awaken and I froze, what will she say when she sees I'm here? Will she freak out or my heart prayed that she would hold open her arms again for me, but realistically I knew this just wasn't going to happen. Bella softly sighed and rolled over onto her back still asleep her arms were still held above her head, but she was not in a deep sleep she struggled as if she was having a dream, her arms held above her as if she was fighting something or trying to protect herself..."No, Edward No" she whispered softly laced with anger, I froze again in pain, she was having a bad dream about me, that broke my heart, I knew I shouldn't have kissed her, she must be so angry.

But as suddenly as the anger had appeared, it was gone again and Bella slowly brought her arms down to wrap around herself like she was trying to hold herself together, then she whispered ever so softly the most painful thing I have ever heard "oh Edward, my Edward..why" and I saw a single tear fall out of her closed lids and slide down her beautiful soft pale cheek, and I knew then that my heart broke and that I hadn't even comprehended how much pain I had caused Bella, God Edward what have you done...

I slowly moved closer to the bed, not making a sound and knelt down on the floor beside her head on the bed and held out my index finger and wiped away her single tear, "I'm so sorry Bella" I whispered "so sorry... I never meant it to be like this, I will make it up to you, I'll never hurt you again" I continued to whisper to her as passionately as I could. I then ever so slowly leant down to Bella's sleeping face and ever so gently placed my ice cold lips on her beautiful soft forehead and gave her a butterfly kiss, she tensed, her forehead creasing and then she slowly let out a soft beautiful sigh, a happy sigh and then whispered the most beautiful sound I've ever heard "Edward" with so much passion and longing "oh Edward" and though I knew she was still sleeping I couldn't help myself, I leant down again to place my lips on her cheek, kissing her softly and she sighed again and then reached out her arms as if to pull me to her.

I knew she was dreaming, but I couldn't help myself, if she at least wanted me in her dreams I would give her that, I would give her anything. I slowly laid down on the bed next to Bella's sleeping form and her seeking arms found me and she turned into my embrace her head finding its usual place on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her, a massive grin breaking out on my face, and I suddenly thought I haven't smiled like this since the last time my Bella lay with me, way back in Forks. Bella let out a soft contented sigh and she snuggled further into my chest and then her breathing returned to normal and she fell into a deep sleep.

I lay with my Bella content and happy for the first time in a very long time. I was surrounded by her beautiful smell, I felt intoxicated by it, I had been without it for so long and now I couldn't get enough, and then to feel her warmth and beating heart on my chest, it felt as if I was alive again, human almost, it was heaven on earth and right then I vowed I would gain Bella back and earn her forgiveness, I could not live without her, to never have this again if she rejected would definitely kill me, I would not survive without her.

But I stopped these thoughts and just enjoyed the moment, bringing my arms tighter around Bella and she moved in her sleep again, snuggling into my neck, sighing with what sounded like happiness, her lips were almost pressed against my neck and the feel of her warm delicious breath on my neck sent thrills down my body and I knew now that if and I mean if Bella ever really wanted me that way, I would not have the strength to resist her, I had been without her for too long, I had thought I had lost her. I would not deny her or myself that, I couldn't, I just hoped... no I knew, I had the strength to not hurt her, she means too much to me, I would love her how she deserved to be loved, I would cherish her...

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So a question I'd love all you awesome guys to answer for me:

Do you want some slow seduction and make Edward really work for Bella's heart? (Imagine sexy smouldering Edward trying to win your heart...ahhh)

Or

Do you want Bella to give in to Edward quickly and get on with their reunion and some lovin adventures? (Edward...Bella and a stuck elevator anyone? How about Edward's wandering hands under the tutorial table?)

Review or PM me on my profile page and let me know, I really value your opinions!

And let me know what you thought of the chapter :D

Luv Morgs xxxooo

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	7. Chapter 7 Dreaming of you

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and a massive shout out to all the amazing people who reviewed and answered my question from last chapter, you guys are the best and I'm so glad you picked to make Edward work to earn Bella's forgiveness! We'll get to the lemons and the elevator later! LOL

It took me so long to update this story, sorry about the wait but it was just so hard to write and get motivated...I need more reviews! (I know I'm a review addict!)

And a special shout out to americanlatinajapanesegirl who always reviews and keeps me writing, you're the best!

Ok enough! :0)

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Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters!

I awoke feeling the most relaxed and well-rested in I don't how long I mused as I stretched out my arms and legs in bed, my wrist didn't hurt anywhere near as much yesterday I thought gratefully. The sun was shining brightly into my room, its golden rays slanting across where my face was, that's what must have woken me. I loved the feeling of warmth it gave me, it was reassuring, comforting, but then I felt these thoughts betrayed my memories...betrayed Edward, because I loved his cool touch so much and that used to be my source of comfort and reassurance.

Remembering Edward made the memories of my dream last night quickly flash back into my mind, it had been the most vivid and beautiful dream of him that I'd had in a long time, it was so different, it felt so real, it wasn't my normal nightmare of him leaving me, it was a happy dream, full of comfort and...love. It had made me feel loved, almost whole again. Thinking of the tender way he had held me in my dream brought tears to my eyes and that was it, I quickly snapped myself out of this pointless reminiscing and back to reality, he did not visit me, he would not visit me, I would not allow it, he had hurt me too much, I was broken and I didn't see how he could possibly fix that.

I had lost my trust in Edward, and no matter what my subconscious might be trying to tell me through my dreams, I knew perfectly well in reality that it was an impossibility, Edward didn't want me, I flinched when I remembered him telling me that, and I knew he still wouldn't want me now. My thoughts uncontrollably flashed back to this kiss he gave me when we were trapped in his office but I quickly shut them down with the notion, that he just did it to snap me out of having a panic attack. Well...he still shouldn't have kissed me, he had no right, he has no right to me anymore and my thoughts were increasingly growing in anger. Well he won't have to worry about trying to avoid me in class, I'm going to do my best to make it easier for him and ignore him, as much as my brain would let me, and I was going to start with this morning's classical literature lecture that he would be taking.

I slowly made my way out of bed and went over to my dresser to grab some clothes and went to my chair that my towel was usually draped over, and that's when I saw it, my bag. For the life of me I couldn't think how it had gotten there, I certainly didn't remember putting it there and I know I didn't have it with me yesterday when I came back with Alice, I tried to remember the last time I saw it. The last time I remember having it was when I put it down when I entered my subject co-ordinators office, Edwards's office. But how did it get here then...Alice? No I must have brought it here with me after all and was just so upset that I forgot about it, yeah that must be it, maybe I'm going nuts...

I quickly rushed my shower and scoffed down a muesli bar for breakfast because I wanted to be early to class so I could sit right up the back in the corner, out of Edward's main line of vision, this less he had to look at me the easier it would be for him. I quickly grabbed my books and shoved them in my bag and grabbed my dorm keys and stepped out the door, but I didn't make it out the door because something tripped me over and I barely managed to stop myself falling flat on my face. I quickly looked around to see if anyone saw me, thank goodness no one had, I checked my wrist and luckily it was still ok.

My thoughts then turned angry, who leaves something lying in the doorway for people to trip over! I finally dragged myself off the floor and turned back around to face the offending item in my doorway and I gasped...surely there was a mistake, who would send me a massive bunch of beautiful white lilies? Then I thought they might be from Alice to cheer me up but then I thought more likely they're from Ben for Angela. I quickly picked up the beautiful bouquet and took it back into the dorm to sit on the table, I wasn't even going to bother to look at the card, certain now that it was for Angela, but as I was turning to go, I quickly glimpsed my name and nearly fainted. It wasn't my name that caused such a reaction but who had written it...

That was Edwards handwriting, I would recognise that elegant script anywhere, I would recognise everything about him still, and I didn't know what hurt more, the memories of him or that he would send me flowers, what was he thinking?

Just open the envelope Bella! I thought exasperated with myself; I had been standing there undecided for minutes, so much for being early to class. I slowly brought my shaky hand up to the crisp white envelope wedged in between the lilies. He had touched that envelope my evil brain thought traitorously excited, well my sensible side trampled that thought down instantly, thinking it's more likely a kind note telling me that he'll try to stay away from me if I try to stay away from him, well Edward I thought you didn't have to bother yourself, I'd do it anyway, and my traitorous thoughts popped up again, that I'd do anything if it stopped causing him pain. Yeah well, sensible Bella thought, it's not all about him anymore, it's about you and your New Beginning, you know, remember that, moving on, forgetting him etc. Well I mused it was going ok til he showed up, how was I supposed to know he'd be my lecturer, I felt the world was conspiring against me. I also felt that perhaps I really had gone nuts and was developing split personality disorder, time to snap out of it Bella and just open the damn envelope!

I slowly brought my finger under the seal at the back of the envelope and it instantly brought back memories of my ill-fated 18th birthday party and the paper cut that had been the beginning of the end when Jasper nearly attacked me, I harboured no ill feelings towards Jasper, he couldn't help himself, he was a vampire, it was natural reaction. It was Edward who reacted in typical Edward style and took it all upon himself and finally revealed the truth that he really didn't want me anymore. God, Bella I thought, stop it, seriously you can't have a new beginning if you keep rehashing these painful memories.

I then quickly looked at my watch and saw that I had five minutes to get to class, shit! I tore open the envelope and despite myself held my breath and eagerly looked to see what he had written and instantly my heart fell and my breath gushed out in anti-climax:

Sorry

E

That was all that was written, sorry...sorry!!!!!! And he couldn't even be bothered to right his whole name, good one Edward I thought, way to make an effort, sorry, sorry for what? Kissing me, having to see me again at all or for the whole painful mess? What is wrong with this guy, why can't he just say what he means!!!

Now my good morning was ruined, I had been tripped over, hurt and now I was angry, late and to top it all off I would have to see him again. Great! This day can only get better can't it...?

I finally made my way to the class just as Edward began the class, I quickly snuck in and didn't look at him no matter how rude it was to not apologize, I didn't owe him that and quickly looked for a seat, unfortunately the sanctuary of the seats up the back were all taken so as I scoured the room for a seat I quickly spotted a pale hand waving to get my attention, ahhh Alice she had saved me a seat. A grin of relief flashed across my face and she quickly returned it with her beautiful smile. I quickly made my way across the room towards her and only managed to trip once, my face flushing with embarrassment as I finally sat next to her and turned to face the lecturer....

Big mistake, his eyes were instantly on mine, his black depths penetrating mine and no matter how much I wanted to and told myself too, I couldn't turn away. I subconsciously knew that he was lecturing the class, I could hear his beautiful voice, but his eyes continued to hold mine, they were so intense and I knew he was trying in vain to read my thoughts, probably trying to see if I got the flowers and the message to stay out of his way, well my eyes turned angrily, message received loud and clear Edward, don't fret, you'll see as little of me as possible. I finally managed to find the strength to break eye contact with him, but quickly before I did, I thought I glimpsed pain flash in his eyes, but it couldn't be? Maybe it was just painful for him to have to bare my presence.

I brought my gaze down to my book in my lap and never brought it back up again for the entire lecture, no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't meet those eyes again and finally when class finished I quickly gathered my things and literally sprinted from the room only bumping into two chairs when I left, not too bad for such a frantic escape. I just had to get out of there, I made sure I didn't go anywhere near him but I glimpsed him from the corner of my eye watching me leave and once again I thought I saw pain in them, what more do you want Edward I screamed internally, I'm trying to stay away from you, I tried to withdraw from the class, what more can I do, I'm not leaving college just because you don't want to see me, too bad Edward, it's about me now and I'm staying here, no matter how much it hurts me and pains you.

My escape was suddenly halted by a cold hand on my shoulder in the crowded corridor outside the classroom, I gasped and my heart thudded violently, but before I could get too carried away I heard Alice softly whisper "Bella it's just me...hold up please, I want to talk to you, please" and when I turned she had her puppy dog eyes on in full force, I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face "Alice you know those eyes should be illegal" and she laughed her beautiful melodic laugh. "Yeah I know, but they come in handy", yeah for manipulating me I thought cheekily. "Bella I know how painful that was for you, I'm sorry it shouldn't be like this, but it is what it is... but how about something to get your mind off it". I looked at her sceptically, I knew what she probably had in mind "Bella lets go shopping" she squealed practically jumping on the spot, I couldn't deny her happiness

"Ok Alice, but you're not buying me anything" I tried to say sternly but those eyes were working on me again "Alice" I said exasperated "C'mon Bella it'll be fun, I haven't seen you in so long, I thought I'd lost you, you own me so much lost shopping time with you and afterwards you can come back to the house and see Esme and Carlisle, they'll be so excited to see you again",

"But..." I tried to object, but before I could get a word in Alice said "Don't worry he won't be there, Jasper and Rosalie are taking him hunting, he doesn't even know you'll be coming ok, please we have missed you so much" and she turned those eyes on me again "Alice" I cried and her eyes just continued to plead with me "Ok, ok" I sighed and she squealed and grabbed my hand towing me out of the building, oh I thought what have I got myself in for...

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My longest chapter yet! So please show me some love and review!!!!!!

This story needs some love, it's lonely :0(

Luv Morgs xxxooo


	8. Chapter 8 An unexpected visitor v2

A/N: Hey everyone! (Sorry about the re-post, I just had to change some things...)

I'm really sorry it's taken so long to update this fic, it's just that my other stories seem way more popular and it's hard to motivate myself to continue this fic, which sucks because I really love this one! So you know what to do, Review and i'll see if there's enough support to continue...

xxxooo

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Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters!

_Previously:_

"_But..." I tried to object to the idea of shopping and visiting the Cullen house, but before I could get a word in Alice said "Don't worry he won't be there, Jasper and Rosalie are taking him hunting, he doesn't even know you'll be coming ok, please we have missed you so much" and she turned those eyes on me again "Alice" I cried and her eyes just continued to plead with me "Ok, ok" I sighed and she squealed and grabbed my hand towing me out of the building, oh I thought what have I got myself in for..._

BPOV

Alice finally dragged me to the biggest shopping mall I had ever seen, I didn't even know places like this existed and when I confessed that fact to Alice she just rolled her eyes at me, as if thinking what planet are you from Bella. But all she said was "I've been away far too long" and though she said it jokingly, I could still feel the pain behind those words.

Alice dragged me from shop to shop, making me try on all sorts of endless outfits from shoes to dresses to... lingerie! Yep, she just sent me to the change rooms and brought endless things for me to try on and I did, because I wanted to make her happy.

But I don't know how many times that day I repeated that she was not going to buy me any of it and every time I did, she just looked at me innocently and would say "Of course Bella" and while I would get dressed once again in my own comfortable jeans and t-shirt she would disappear saying she was just putting the clothes back. Then when I would finally come out of the change rooms, she would greet me eagerly but empty handed and I would breathe a sigh of relief.

Finally after about four hours of non-stop shopping, my tummy gave a loud gurgle of hunger and Alice whispered "sorry I forgot, time to feed the human" she said giving me a smirk. Alice and I got a pizza to share, but we both knew I would be the only one eating. Alice spent the time while I was stuffing my face telling me about things that had happened while I was gone; particularly that Rose and Emmett had just recently returned after they had renewed their vows and gone on a yearlong honeymoon. But she confessed that the ceremony was not as happy as previous times had been and that she thought part of the reason they renewed their vows in the first place and went on their honeymoon was to escape the house,

"Why" I stupidly asked.

"Well because Edw...I mean we were all very upset and missing you so much, I think they just wanted to do something that would be happy for the family... and of course I got to plan the entire thing" she added on happily to break the sad tone.

I just absorbed her sad words, but I didn't want to dwell on them and suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore. "Come on then, might as well get this over with" I sighed.

Alice just gave me a friendly glare before grabbing my hand and dragging me off to another store.

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Finally Alice and I emerged from the mall having spent most of the day shopping, which was a pretty impressive effort on my part. Alice had only bought me one thing, which I couldn't really refuse anyway. We had gotten some pictures of us together in one of those photo booths, with both of us pulling funny faces and she had bought us matching picture frames for the photos. It was so sweet but I felt self-conscious when looking at the photos, with Alice looking beautiful as ever in the pictures and me looking so ordinary, but the main thing was that we both looked happy and we were together, I would treasure it forever.

We were now speeding towards the Cullen's house, where Alice said Esme and Carlisle would be so surprised to see me and she once again assured me that Edward would not be there. That he had no idea she was even seeing me today because she had been silently reciting spice girls songs backwards in her head every time she had seen him, and that he hadn't been able to discover what she was hiding.

Also that Jasper and Rosalie were taking him hunting so I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him and I sighed in relief. I just didn't know if I could handle seeing him that close yet and he would probably be so angry at seeing me in his family home anyway...he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want his family to either, I think he just wanted to forget I existed...

I was gripping my seat tightly as Alice flew down the highway out of town and eventually turned up a long and heavily forested driveway. At last she pulled up in front of what could only be called a mansion, a beautiful 3 storey contemporary house made of beautiful rich dark timber and I could definitely see Esme's design influence in the house.

I sat in awe until Alice came and opened my door and dragged me to the front porch, not even hesitating to give me a minute to prepare myself. Alice pushed open the front door and I then was confronted by the oh-so familiar smell of my family that I had missed so much and my heart started frantically beating... Clam down Bella I thought, it's going to be ok...isn't it...

Carlisle was the first to greet me, surprise quickly flashing across his face when he saw me as he hurried down the stairs, only pausing to put down his book before coming to stand directly in front of me with a look of both pain and happiness on his face.

He looked intently into my eyes before his cold hand came up to cup my cheek and he whispered "Bella...welcome home" and he pulled me into a fierce embrace adding with vampire softness "my daughter", again I think they had forgotten that I could hear them. My heart broke once again at the love that had been taken away from me and I eagerly embraced Carlisle back, silent tears running down my face. Carlisle pulled back and brought his cool fingertips to wipe away my tears and said softly "Bella no tears, this is a happy day, truly the best surprise" and he turned to Alice and mouthed "thankyou".

This emotional moment was then broken my a booming voice upstairs yelling "Bella?" and then with lightening speed a massive hulk of a man came flying down the stairs and scooped me up in a bear hug "Oh Bella, I've missed you so much"

"Ah Emmett me too, but...I ...can't breathe" I gasped,

"Oh sorry Bella" he said cheekily, instantly loosening his grip but not letting me go. "I forgot...it's been too long" he said quietly, even for him.

"I know Emmett" and I hugged him fiercely back, I had missed my brother.

Our hug was instantly broken when they all sensed movement behind them. Emmett let me go as we all turned around to face... Esme, who had just walked into the house after doing what looked like gardening outside.

She stood across the room, staring at me with silent tears sliding down her face and sobs wracking her body. I stared back and then finally moved across the floor and ran into her open embrace where we hugged each other deeply, while she rubbed my back and cupped my head to her chest saying softly over and over "Oh my Bella"

Finally we pulled apart but she still held my hands in both of her cool ones and stared at me once again. Her cool hand then came up to cup my cheek like Carlisle had done and whispered "Oh Bella, my daughter... we have missed you so. When we lost you we thought we would never be the same" and she leaned in to kiss my forehead tenderly.

I was confused, why were they acting like this, it wasn't like I had died, they could still have seen me, Edward didn't rule their lives. I whispered frailly "I waited for you, why didn't you say goodbye, why didn't you come to find me, this whole time, I've waited for you, loved you" I sobbed.

Realisation dawned on Esme "Bella, honey it's not that we didn't want to see you ...we thought that you had...died" she whispered.

My breath hitched at the news and the pain blazing in Esme's eyes. I looked around the room and saw the same look in everyone else's. I turned to Alice looking pleadingly into her eyes for some sort of explanation...

She sighed softly "Bella we are all sorry that we didn't say goodbye, we all regret it and know there is no excuse, but Edward was so distraught and desperate. We did what we thought would be best, it turns out nothing we did was for the best" and she eyed my pale, thin and fragile body up and down before continuing.

"Edward had told me not to look for you, that it would be for the best, but I couldn't just completely abandon you. I wanted to make sure that you were coping...I wasn't checking to see if you were ok, because I could clearly see that you weren't. I don't think he realised just how much he would hurt you by leaving, but I could see you slipping deeper and deeper into despair. And then about a month after we left your future just disappeared...there was nothing...and I knew that you were dead" Alice sobbed.

"We were devastated Bella, it wasn't simply that we'd just left you anymore, now you were dead and it hurt _all_ of us and what was worse was Edward's...I mean our guilt that we had left you, all alone...defenceless and that you had died. We were broken Bella, devastated, such a loss..." she softly trailed off.

"What happened Bella? Why didn't I see?" Alice asked desperately.

I tried to absorb all this information, they thought I was dead?

That's why they hadn't come to see me, why I hadn't heard from them...Well all apart from one, I knew what ever happened, he wouldn't come to look for me.

I moved to sit on the couch, in shock at this new revelation until Esme came and sat next to me, grasping my hand tenderly with a pleading look in her eyes and I remembered Alice's question.

Well I noted, "You said I disappeared from your visions about a month after you left...well I guess that was about the time that she came back for me and I.." my speech was interrupted by Alice demanding worriedly "Who?"

"Well Victoria..." I said

Everyone gasped around me and looked at me as if thinking what had they done, leaving me all alone and how had I survived.

"God Bella" Esme gasped and gripped my hand tighter.

I decided to tell them the truth, "I guess it was about a month after you had all left and I was returning back to my house with Jacob, after Charlie had dragged me to La Push trying to get me out of the house and my depression. Jacob had driven me back and was walking me to my door. But when I opened it he suddenly sniffed the air and froze, before screaming at me to get back in the car".

"Jacob then phased and ran up to my room and from where I stood frozen I could hear snarling and hissing as well as things crashing about, then my window smashing and the snarling and hissing moved off into the woods behind the house. I stood frozen for I don't know how long until Sam came up to me and hugged me while I collapsed into his embrace,

I then slipped into my memories about what happened that night:

"_Sam" I gasped to him, what happened? Where's Jacob? I cried desperately. _

"_Shhh Bella, its ok" he had soothed me. "Jacob is coming back now" and as he's said it, Jacob appeared through the thick forest, once again is his human form. _

"_Bella" he cried and wrapped me in his warm embrace, I sighed shakily in his arms, still in shock about what had happened. "Jacob, what happened?"_

"_Bella, when you opened your front door, I smelt it, a vampire was in your house...it wasn't familiar so I raced up to your room to kill whoever it was, and was confronted by this female red head..."_

_His speech was cut off by my harsh gasp and he caught me in his strong arms before I could collapse. _

"_Bella" he cried desperately. _

"_It was...it was her...Victoria...oh my god, she came back for me, what happened? Is she gone Jacob?" _

"_Yeah we fought, she was strong and escaped out your window, she then ran into the forest and every time I thought I was getting close to her, she'd disappear again, it was like she could sense me, to evade me...I'm sorry Bella, I lost her" he said ashamed, his head falling downcast to the ground. _

_I wouldn't have that, I put my finger under his warm jaw and lifted his eyes to mine and I said fiercely "Jacob you have nothing to be sorry for, I'm so grateful you were here, thank you, you saved my life" and I hugged him once again. _

_Sam then said "Well I don't think she'll be back again anytime soon, I think Jacob scared her away", _

"_No" I shouted a little too loudly, "Sorry Sam, but she'll definitely be back, she wants to kill me...after Edward killed her mate, she wants revenge, you know mate for mate and even though I'm no longer Edwards mate it doesn't matter, she wants me dead and I'll never be safe again, never be free..." I cried._

_It was Jacobs turn to lift my face up to meet his "Bella, I will never let anything happen to you, I will protect you, you'll never be alone, there will always be one us guarding you, she won't get to you, we'll get to her first" he vowed fiercely, his body trembling with his anger. _

_I put my hand on his arm reassuringly, "Thankyou Jacob, and I'm sorry about this, I don't want to put any of you in danger, I don't know what I would do if this caused one of you to get hurt" _

_He just snorted, "Bella, don't worry about us, we can take care of ourselves, it's her that should be worried about getting torn to shreds for even thinking she could touch you. She won't touch you, it'll never happen Bella" he said fiercely. _

I returned back to the present, meeting their curious and desperate eyes and filled them in on the story about how the wolves came to protect me.

Alice then said stunned "So that's why you disappeared, not because you were dead, but because you were always surrounded by the wolves and I couldn't see you".

We were all then surprised when we sensed movement coming from the back door and a desperate soft whisper "What happened then?"

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Review and let me know what you thought of the chapter (My longest so far!)

Please show this story some love! _I need some support and motivation that you actually like it and want me to continue, because at the moment...I just don't know_

Luv Morgs xxxooo


	9. Chapter 9 So very tired

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters!

Previously:

_Alice then said stunned "So that's why you disappeared, not because you were dead, but because you were always surrounded by the wolves and I couldn't see you"._

_We were all then surprised when we sensed movement from the back door and a desperate soft whisper "What happened then?"_

BPOV:

I physically flinched at the sound of that oh-so familiar voice, I couldn't help myself, it was so shocking to actually hear it for real now and not just in my dreams. It was a sound that brought me so much joy, because it meant my love had returned but it also brought pain, because he hadn't actually returned to ME, and I was again confronted with the reality that he didn't want me and didn't love me.

I didn't turn around to look at him, I couldn't. I sat frozen in my seat, staring at my trembling hands, which I quickly shoved between my knees to keep them still. I didn't look up either, I didn't want his family to see the pain and sorrow that I was sure would be blazing from my eyes. They didn't need to see it and have to bear the burden of my pain; I didn't want to cause them to have any ill feelings towards Edward. He couldn't help how he felt about me, and he deserved their love much more than I did. After all, I was human and would only be around for one lifetime; Edward on the other hand, would be with them for an eternity, when I would fade to just a dim light in their memories.

I gathered all my strength and breathed a deep sigh before I continued my tale of what happened after Victoria's first visit. I closed my eyes and croaked hoarsely "I...we waited. She played with us, toyed with me, returning every few weeks, but never near enough for the wolves to attack. Sam said she was testing us, waiting for the right opportunity to attack. I tried to hide as much of my worry from Charlie as I could, but he knew something was up. He actually got to the point of wanting to send me away to get help; he said it pained him so much that I was hurting and that he couldn't do anything about it, that he hated Edw...him for doing this to me. I couldn't tell him what was really bothering me and that hurt me even more, I hated lying to him...and worse was the knowledge that my presence was putting him in danger. At one point I thought it might be easier and less painful for us both if Victoria had just killed me that first time."

Esme let out a loud shudder of pain at my words, reaching across the couch to grab my hand tightly, "Oh Bella, never say that, never. Too many people love you to let that happen," she cried. Alice came to sit by me on the arm of the couch, tentatively putting her hand softly on my shoulder and then moving to stroke my hair. I felt myself give a slight smile at the love I felt from their touch, a love I had so sorely missed all this time. I also noticed that Edward had not come further into the room, I wasn't even sure if he was still here, he hadn't made a sound.

As if sensing my thoughts he whispered softly, but with fierceness "Did she hurt you?"

Once again my body flinched at his voice and Alice and Esme just tightened their grip on me, conveying their love, which reassured me enough to go on. I had never talked about this with anyone and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it now, but I had to try. "Well define hurt me...emotionally? Yes, would be an understatement. Physically? Does it matter? Is it any worse?" I whispered.

"Yes" came his fierce hiss.

"Victoria played with us for months, taunting me and the wolves, getting close but never close enough. Things began turning up in the mail, first was a lock of blood-covered hair, the next was a human finger. She sent them all in college acceptance letters, so I was never sure if they were from her or the college until I actually opened them. One day Charlie opened a letter from Dartmouth and found a blood covered letter with the words, _I'm tired of waiting." _I shuddered at the memory.

"He totally freaked out, wanting to yell at the college, but I finally managed to convince him that someone must have been playing a joke. He took a lot of convincing, but finally he let it go. After that, I always checked the mail first and threw out any acceptance letters; luckily I had got my acceptance to college here before all this started, so the decision to come here was made for me. Things got quite for a while, the wolves thought Victoria might have finally given up, but I knew better and I should have stood up for myself more. It might have saved so much suffering" I managed to shudder.

"What did she do to you?" came his rough cry.

"By that point in time, nothing she could do to me would hurt me, she could only hurt those I loved. I was nothing, I felt nothing, and she was nothing, but still that didn't stop her. The Quileute boys were reluctantly busy with a mandatory school excursion one day, Sam was with Emily at the hospital and Quil had skipped school to guard me. I was bored, angry and I should have known better" I shouted, so angry with myself.

This was so hard to talk about, it felt like therapy. I shot a look at Carlisle sitting on the couch across from me, but he was looking intently behind me, with a look of pain on his face. When he noticed my gaze upon him he gave me an encouraging grin and a soft nod of his head to continue. I half-heartedly returned his smile, but it felt more like a grimace and I continued.

"I convinced Quil to come with me for a walk into the forest. I said that I needed some fresh air and freedom and I stupidly managed to convince him, despite knowing that Victoria would not have given up. I called him a chicken, goaded him into agreeing with me" I said mockingly.

"He gave into me and I actually felt triumphant at the time. I told him I wanted to go to the meadow where Laurent was killed, that I needed to see it again to put the attack to rest. He reluctantly agreed and we set off, me trudging through the rainy, damp forest with him leading the way. We finally reached the meadow about midday and as soon as I entered the meadow I immediately felt regret for coming there. I think I had already known it would not hold any answers for me, but still I went. It felt empty and only I knew why."

"The sun amazingly came out then, its golden light illuminating the beautiful meadow and Quil laid down in the soft grass, saying his was tired after having to carry my clumsy ass half-way there. I chuckled at him and began to walk aimlessly around the meadow. I was across the far side of the meadow when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Quil swiftly jump to his feet and phase. I didn't have time to even find out what he was reacting to, all I felt was the sharp pain of knives quickly slicing down my back and a hard arm reaching around my body to push me harshly to the ground. A bare foot pushed down heavily on my chest, pinning me to the ground, flame hair hovering evilly above me. It was Victoria and I admit in that second, I almost felt relief, that it would be over now. The pain on my chest was crushing, I couldn't breathe and my back was stinging so badly, I felt and smelt the tell-tale sticky wetness there, which could only be blood. I heard vicious snarling and screamed no to Quil, to leave and get help, that I wasn't worth it."

"But I couldn't scream loud enough, I couldn't make him hear me and he lunged at Victoria. Thankfully she moved off my chest and I managed to painfully sit up and I helplessly watched their swirling figures as they fought. I couldn't make out who was winning but the sound of the hissing, snarling and crashing bodies was sickening. Suddenly something white made a harsh thump as it landed on the ground near my feet and I looked down to be confronted by the sickening sight of a pale white leg, torn off at the knee. I couldn't help myself and threw up. When I turned back around..." I stopped, a harsh sob wracking my body.

"I'll get you some water" Esme said motherly. I gave her a grateful look through my tear-filled eyes. I took a grateful gulp of the cool water and took a depth breath "When I turned back around, the leg was still there but Qu...Quil was now lying in an unmoving heap beside it" I sobbed.

"I rushed over to him, screaming no over and over but when I got to him, it was too late, she'd torn his...his throat out. All because of me, Quil died because of me" I screamed, violent sobs wracking my body. Esme pulled me onto her lap and just held me fiercely saying over and over, "Not because of you Bella, not you".

After a while I had calmed down enough to continue, I wanted to get this over with and never speak of it again. A familiar voice sneered "Victoria, what happened to her?"

"I couldn't see her, I knew she was injured and thought she must have run off. I was so upset I just huddled against the diminishing warmth of Quil's body and sobbed quietly, waiting for her to come back and kill me" I paused to take another gulp of water.

"She never did, the next thing I knew Jacob was hovering over me and had picked me up in his warm embrace, telling me everything was going to be ok, that'd he found Victoria and killed her, that I was safe now. All I remember is crying Quil's name over and over. Jacob carried me all the way home and then told Charlie he had found me after a bear had attacked me in the forest, that Quil had been with me and was now missing. Charlie checked to make sure I was ok, I assured him that I was and he launched a search party."

"The wolves went along with this, because as Quil was dead, he couldn't phase back, therefore there was no human body to be found. They went with the excuse that Quil had been taken and killed by the bear while saving me, Quil was a hero. They searched for days, the Quileute's keeping up the charade, even though they knew the truth and Quil's body was never found. Jacob finally managed to drag me to the hospital and I got my back cleaned and stitched up. Victoria's nails had raked my back from my shoulder all the way to the edge of my jeans, causing deep jiggered lacerations" My speech was abruptly interrupted by a feral hissing sound coming from behind me, but I had to continue, to get this over with.

"They required hundreds of stitches and scarred me terribly, she also broke four of my ribs, but I got off lightly, I knew it should have been me dead" I finished with defiance.

"No" came his harsh cry from behind me. "Never say that".

Edward flashed across the room with vampire speed to kneel at my feet, his hands grasping mine desperately. "Please Bella; it never should have been you. None of this should have ever happened. I'm sorry, it's all my fault" he cried.

I suddenly snapped, yanking my hands from his grasp and launching to my feet. He quickly stepped back from me, a look of shock on his face. I couldn't bear it a second longer and ran; I didn't know the layout of the house so I just ran in the opposite direction from him. I saw light up ahead and ran towards it, I vaguely heard his soft footsteps coming after me but I ignored him. I pushed open the door and ran outside, only to be confronted by the Cullen's backyard. I didn't have time to be awed by the magnificent lake; I just wanted to be alone. I spotted a beautiful long wooden jetty reaching out onto the lake and ran towards it, not stopping until I had reached the end, slumping heavily to the wooden planks and moving my feet to hang over the edge. I stared absently out onto the lake while sobs and painful memories wracked my body.

I don't know how long I sat there until I heard quite footsteps tentatively moving behind me. I took a depth breath and prepared myself for what he had to say, because I knew it was him, I would know his footsteps anywhere; you know those things when you love someone as much as I love him. But now, I mentally prepared myself once again for his rejection.

I heard him close the final steps behind me and take an unnecessary deep breath "Bella" he whispered softly, the sound of my name on his lips caused an involuntary shiver to run throughout my body. "I'm so, so sorry" he cried, his voice full of anguish and...regret?

Once again I snapped, I couldn't help myself, all this bottled up rage was just exploding form within me. I launched to my feet, facing him and glared at him, shouting "Sorry! You're sorry! For what? For everything? For leaving? For having to see me again? For me surviving?"

I knew my words were harsh, I could see them inflicting pain upon him through his eyes. But I just continued to attack him, circling him until we had swapped positions so he was now at the end of the jetty. I moved towards him and looked deeply into his eyes, challenging him to explain himself.

"Bella I'm sorry for everything, for so many things. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you. But I'm definitely not sorry that your alive and I'm most definitely not sorry that I get to see you again...I love you Bella" he whispered.

"You what?" I screamed

"I love you"

"Arghh" I screamed in anger and pointed into his chest "Don't lie to me, I've been through so much, lived with so much pain, I can't bare anymore lies...any more of this" I cried, pain and anger blazing from my eyes, burning into him. He reached his arms up to pull me into his chest, but I reacted instinctively and pushed against his chest, pushing him away from me. I must have caught him by surprise because the next thing I knew, he was falling backwards and splashing into the cold lake below. I quickly hovered over the edge of the jetty to look for him and saw him resurface.

I finally looked down at him with tears streaming from my eyes and stared intently into his eyes. I mouthed silently to him "I'm sorry too," and then I turned and ran back up the jetty and launched myself into Alice's awaiting arms and cried my heart out, whispering over and over "I'm so tired Alice, so very tired."

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Review and let me know your thoughts!!

Luv Morgs xxxooo


	10. Chapter 10 Watching over you

A/N: Hey everyone!

A massive shout out to everyone for all your reviews, I treasure each and every one of them!

Sorry for all the tears & angst this fic is causing, but Edward & Bella have got some big issues to work through, but trust me we're slowly getting there okay :D

And hey, it'll make it all worth it in the long run!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters.

_Previously:_

_I finally looked down at Edward with tears streaming from my eyes and stared intently into his eyes. I mouthed silently to him "I'm sorry too," and then I turned and ran back up the jetty and launched myself into Alice's awaiting arms and cried my heart out, whispering over and over "I'm so tired Alice, so very tired."_

EPOV:

I watched through Alice's thoughts as she caught Bella running desperately into her arms, and I literally felt torn in half from the pain, the utter tiredness, and the pure loss that was evident in Bella's eyes. It was like her chocolate depths had just burned out, shut off from the world, like she couldn't bear another second of the burden she was so heavily carrying, much of which, I admitted with great anguish, was because of me.

I finally dragged myself out of the cold depths of the lake from where Bella had pushed me and shook myself off upon the end of the pier. I felt no anger towards Bella for her actions, I was just grateful that she was with me. I would take time with her anyway I could get it, but I admit I was deeply hurt by her belief that my love for her was a lie, and I also admit that I had no one to blame for it but myself. What had I done? How did I ever think leaving her would be for her own good? Bella's now nothing more than the broken shell of the girl I used to know, and it was my fault...but it would also be me that would bring her back, heal her, make her see the truth and be a better Bella for it, I silently vowed as I made my back towards the house, my shoes squishing noisily full of water.

My thoughts once again returned to Alice's, where she fragilely held Bella's limp and tired body in her arms. Alice's silent cry of anguish tearing into me bodily, "Oh Bella, Bella. I'm so sorry. What has happened to you?" She silently cried, dry sobs wracking her tiny body. Alice gently cupped Bella's face in her hand, bringing her cold lips to softly and tenderly caress her forehead before brushing her hair gently behind her ear whispering softly to her, "Sleep now Bella, I will take care of you, just rest, I will keep you safe" and in more ways than one she thought as she levelled a piercing gaze towards me, _stay away, she needs space to heal Edward, just give her this please, I will take care of her_. And I knew she would, I gave her a slight nod of agreement before she whirled with Bella tightly held in her arms and moved back towards the house. I watched through Alice's thoughts from a nearby rock at the back of the house as she brought Bella into the house, seeing my family's gasps of shock and pain at the heartbreaking sight of Bella. I hunted for their blame of me in their thoughts, but there was none, just concern for Bella and questions about what had happened to her.

Carlisle recovered first and told Alice to take Bella upstairs as he followed quickly. She ever-so gently laid Bella's fragile body upon the soft bedding, lightly brushing her hair back from her face again, before softly kissing her cheek. whispering, "I'm right here Bella, always", before stepping back so Carlisle could examine Bella. I knew I shouldn't watch, that I was intruding, but it was Bella after all and I needed to know what was happening. I couldn't reach Carlisles thoughts, but Alice was still hovering in the room and I watched as Carlisle took Bella's vitals. Alice's thoughts were so worried, thinking over and over, _she's so thin, so pale, so...tired_. Alice was in so much agony just from seeing Bella, and Jasper suddenly burst into the room, wrapping Alice in his embrace. "Sshh" he whispered into her hair while sending out welcomed waves of calm. "Ali, Bella will be okay. She just needs some time to heal, she's so torn after all the emotions of seeing us and Edward again, and she's so full of hurt and indecision, I think it's all just caught up with her. She just needs some time to deal with it, to work through it" he finally said, pulling back to look into her eyes lovingly, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

"Jasper's right Alice, Bella is physically fine, apart from being exhausted and a little on the thin side, which Esme will fix in no time. She's just dealing with a lot of emotional trauma at the moment and sometimes when it gets to be too much, the human mind just shuts down. Bella just needs time to work through it" Carlisle said as he cupped Bella's cheek lightly before moving off the bed to pack up his medical kit and making his way to his office.

Bella chose that moment to stir, she seemed to be dreaming, whispering softly "Edward" the way she used to, and Alice's thoughts echoed mine, recognising the familiar sense of love and longing for what was lost. As if echoing this loss, Bella softly whispered with anguish "Please don't go...please...I'll do anything...please I'm sorry I'm not good enough to hold you. I'm sorry you don't love me but please don't go, don't take my family away from me" she sobbed, ripping me apart.

Bella then stirred more, her dreams turning distressing, crying "No, no...not Quil, oh god no please." Then "Don't hurt me please...sorry, so sorry" and the pain and anguish in her soft voice, not even Jasper could diminish it. Alice broke away from his arms and climbed into the bed behind Bella, pulling her into her embrace, gently rubbing her back in soft circles, whispering over and over "I'm here Bella, I'm not going anywhere, you're safe, always." Bella's thrashing finally stilled, her frantic heartbeat slowing as she snuggled into Alice's cool neck and finally whispered so softly, so desperately, "Don't ever leave me." "Never" Alice vowed, bringing her cool lips to tenderly kiss Bella's forehead before tightening her arms around her, and she seemed to calm down, finally falling into a deep sleep.

The sun began to set and twilight descended while I sat with vampire stillness upon my rock as I watched Bella sleep through Alice's thoughts. She held her tightly in her arms as dusk turned into night and finally into the breaking dawn and still Bella slept with Alice wrapped tightly around her. Eventually Esme came into the room with a tray of breakfast for Bella and Alice gently tried to rouse her, but she just turned away from her, rolling to the other side of the bed and curling into fragile ball. Her arms wrapped around herself like she was trying to keep herself whole, to hold herself together.

I couldn't handle it anymore, the pain and sorrow, my guilt arghh. I shot up to my feet in anger, turning around to violently kick the rock, pulverising it into ash, but I didn't feel any better. I began pacing back and forth, wearing a path into the soft grass at the back of the house, my thoughts focused on hating myself and reliving my stupidity of the day I left Bella. The day I broke her heart, her mind and her body, I screamed at myself in anguish, finally dropping to my knees and looking up into the heavens with desperation, with anger, with hope, silently screaming and begging, how do I make this stop? How do I make it better? How will she ever love me again?

My thoughts were suddenly halted by a strong hand gripping my shoulder and an immense wave of calm being thrust upon me. "Son, enough" Carlisle said "This is not doing you or Bella any good". I turned to him quickly, standing and throwing myself into his arms, my body trembling with all my emotions. I held him so tightly, I feared I might hurt him, but he just held me back and I was never more grateful for having Carlisle as a father. Jasper sent me another wave of calm and I quickly shot him a smile of gratefulness, which he shrugged off with a soft smile, thinking _I know you'd do the same for me, if the position were reversed_. And I shot him another nod, saying "You know I would". I finally pulled back from Carlisle's embrace and looked uncomfortably at the ground, this kind of reaction, my desperation just now, was something new to me, and I was shocked and uncomfortable. Carlisle, as if sensing my withdrawal said, "No Edward don't, just let it be...come inside, your mother is missing you". I smiled at him, grateful for his love and compassion, and said that I would follow them inside in a minute.

After gathering my thoughts, I finally crept inside the house, accepting Esme's grateful hug when I entered. Her thoughts so full of love, and I couldn't help admire her pure and gentle soul as I softly kissed her cheek before I went to find solace in my room. I desperately wanted to go be with Bella, to hold her like I used to. But deep down I knew that just wasn't going to happen, that I had lost that right when I left her, and I didn't know if I would ever experience the joy of that feeling ever again. I slumped to my bed and got as close to Bella as I could by invading Alice's mind, I knew this was wrong of me, but I had to be near Bella, it was pure agony for her to be so close yet so far away.

Bella slept all day, only rousing once to use the bathroom and to quickly gulp a glass of water. Alice hovered nearby, offering food, begging her to eat, but Bella just brushed her away. It was like she wasn't really there, her eyes, that used to be so full of life and love were now distant, unfocused and she once again curled into a ball and fell asleep.

Near midnight Bella began tossing and turning again, her heartbeat and breathing frantic. Alice approached her, placing a soft hand upon her forehead, which was hot and clammy. Bella began moaning "No don't go" over and over again, tossing her head, her arms held up as if to protect herself or to reach desperately for something or someone, I wasn't sure. Alice lay beside Bella and pulled her into her arms tightly, but Bella continued to toss and turn, getting more and more upset, I was surprised she hadn't awakened yet.

Bella then didn't something totally unexpected, calling "Edward" softly, "Please hold me, please" and the innocent desperation in her voice nearly broke me. I tore my hands through my hair, rubbing my face viciously with my anguish. Alice tried to hold Bella, to calm her, saying that she was here, that it was alright. But Bella began to thrash again, more upset than before, yelling "Edward please. I need you" and I couldn't take her pain and anguish a second longer. I ran into Alice's room and scooped Bella up into my arms, holding her fragile body tightly to my chest and kissed her cheek softly with my lips. As if sensing my presence she calmed and wrapped her arms tightly around me, nuzzling her face into my neck like she always used to do. Joy that spread through me from having her here in my arms where she belonged, her warm breath making me feel alive. If this was all I could have from her then I would gratefully accept and treasure it, but I also acknowledge that if Bella was really aware of what was happening right now she would not be here, which Alice happily reminded me of in her thoughts.

I gingerly lay Bella down upon my bed and lay beside her, grinning happily when she reached for me, lying across my chest, bringing her face into the crook of my neck, while her hand reached for mine, holding it tightly. She gave a contented sigh of relief and I felt the tension leave her body, reminding me of the last time I had held Bella like this in her room just the other night. Bella hugged me tightly, her warm body pressed pleasurably around me, and the feeling of happiness and warmth that spread throughout my body from her almost made me feel human again. I kissed her forehead and nuzzled her hair while whispering words of my love to her over and over again as she slept peacefully for the rest of the night within my arms.

Near dawn Alice came to hover outside my bedroom door, softly calling to me in her thoughts, _Edward, she can't wake up in your arms, I've seen it. You have to take her back to my room, she needs some space when she wakes up, otherwise if she sees you too soon, I'm not sure if she'll ever recover_. "What are you saying Alice?" I whispered. _That you need to leave, you can't be here in this house when she wakes up. I know how much that hurts you, but if you want things to work out, then just do this please_, she begged. I sighed not wanting to give up my hold or even relinquish a second with Bella, but if there was a chance my leaving would lead to her forgiveness, then I would take it with both hands. I softly kissed Bella's cheeks, her closed eye lids and finally her forehead, savouring her scent and her warmth until I could have them once again, and I would, if it was the last thing I did on this earth, I would have Bella, my love again.

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Sorry about the short chapter, but I had to leave it there so the next one would work. What did you think? Not too many tears I hope? Review & let me know.

Reviewers get a preview of the next chapter, when there's finally going to be some thawing of the ice between these two!! :D

Luv Morgs xxoo


	11. Chapter 11 Author note

Hey everyone!!

I'm sorry about the author note, I hate doing it, but I'm so swamped with exams and essays (why do lecturers leave everything for the end of semester!!) and I know I promised I would give reviewers a preview for the next chapter. I love your reviews so much, but I honestly haven't got the time to individually reply, no matter how much I want to, I feel really bad! So here's a preview for everyone, but mostly for my beautiful reviewers, love you big time!!!!!!!!!!!

Big shout out to my loyal reviewers who review every chapter, you're the best, and to the lovely reviews that tell me how my story moves them, sorry about the tears, but I love hearing it! And to b4bystar who quoted my writing back, it's the ultimate validation!! Love you all.

Preview: BPOV

_As I carefully walked across the quad between classes, for some unknown reason I felt there was a force was pulling me to look to my right. As I finally did, I was suddenly met by topaz eyes. Eyes so beautiful that they could belong to none other than him To realise that he still had this power over me, that drew me to him was astounding. I quickly looked away, breaking eye contact and took a few more steps before tentatively looking back towards his eyes through the shield of my long hair. He was still there, his golden eyes staring intently into my depths, with a look of...love? upon his eyes and I struggled to look away from him, to break the hold he had upon me, it felt familiar...it felt..._

"_Bella" a familiar voice suddenly called my name. I abruptly broke eye contact with Edward and turned towards the voice..._

_************_

_After all that, I was running late for my tutorial, my tutorial with none other than Edward. Of all the classes to be late for, it had to be his didn't it. I finally pushed my way through the door and abruptly stopped in my tracks, it was a small class, but it was overflowing with people in the tiny room. I quickly scanned the room for Alice and found her squished in the back corner, sending me what looked like an apologetic grin for not being able to save me a seat. As I scanned the rest of the room I found the only spare seat in the room, the seat just so happened to be...right next to my tutor, right next to Edward. The same Edward whose eyes were boring intently into to mine. My heart fluttered, finally prompting me to move and I offered a whispered "sorry" to the room, before making my way towards what felt like my fate..._

_Sound ok?_

Also just to answer a question one reviewer had: About Edward being a lecturer, and wouldn't Angela question it?

First: thanks for the question! Anyone else got some, feel free to ask me :D

Second: I love Angela, and I think she has definitely questioned how and why Edward is a lecturer, but then again Angela is the type of character who I believe always knew there was something different about Edward, and knew there was something special between Bella and Edward. That is why she gave Edward a second chance and let him into Bella's bedroom in one of the earlier chapters. She's a quiet and loyal friend to Bella and at the moment has no need to question Edward as a lecturer. She's also not one of his students, so it's not really at the forefront of her mind, plus I like to think that she's also so wrapped up in her Ben to notice (But I'm just a romantic at heart :D). I hope that answered your question.

I promise to update soon, I've just got 2 more 3,000 word essays to write and another assignment then I'm all yours, I promise it won't be long. Wish me luck!

Luv Morgs xxoo


	12. Chapter 12 Awakening

**A/N:** Hey everyone!

Sorry about the delay, but the chapter is finally here! :D

Now on with the show (and finally some ice thawing!)

**Previously: EPOV**

Near dawn Alice came to hover outside my bedroom door, softly calling to me in her thoughts, _Edward, she can't wake up in your arms, I've seen it. You have to take her back to my room, she needs some space when she wakes up, otherwise if she sees you too soon, I'm not sure if she'll ever recover_. "What are you saying Alice?" I whispered. _That you need to leave, you can't be here in this house when she wakes up. I know how much that hurts you, but if you want things to work out, then just do this please_, she begged. I sighed not wanting to give up my hold or even relinquish a second with Bella, but if there was a chance my leaving would lead to her forgiveness, then I would take it with both hands. I softly kissed Bella's cheeks, her closed eye lids and finally her forehead, savouring her scent and her warmth until I could have them again, and I would, if it was the last thing I did on this earth, I would have Bella, my love again.

**BPOV:**

I gingerly fluttered my eyelids open and looked around what was to me, an unfamiliar room. I hazily wondered where I was and what had happened to me. I felt like I had been asleep for days, and along with this also came a feeling of refreshment. I felt renewed, like I really could have a new beginning now. I knew much of these feelings were due to me getting the best night's sleep I'd had in...well years, and all because he had visited me again. Just like the other night, Edward has visited me in my dreams again, wrapping me up and holding me tightly in his safe and loving arms, whispering his love to me ardently. In these dreams I felt safe, loved and as if the nightmare of the past year had never happened, as if those fateful words had never been uttered. I was whole again, I was in love and the world was ours for the taking.

But as I awoke further and looked around in vain for his presence, I knew he was once again lost to my dreams. He was not here and the world was no longer ours. He really had uttered those fateful words and he no longer held me in his safe and loving arms. Despite this and my recent little "melt-down", through finally catching up on some much needed sleep and gathering my thoughts, I felt I really could have my beginning now. The world was in fact mine to make of it what I will; it was up to me now to find my way in this world and to make my own happiness. It was clearly no good for me to dwell upon the past and what might have been. It was time for my new beginning.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and as if sensing my movement, the door of the room suddenly flung open and a tiny pixie launched herself onto the bed next to me, her icy arms instantly wrapping around me in a tight embrace "Bella. You're finally awake" She exclaimed giddily, bouncing on the bed, her eyes alight with joy. She was so sweet and so beautiful I thought, with the most pure of heart. I was so glad she was back in my life now; I wouldn't let her go again. I hugged her back eagerly, softly kissing her cheek as I pulled away, blushing and looking down at my fidgeting hands. "Bella? What was that for?" She asked, clasping my hands within hers. I looked up at her, giving her a tentative smile "I just...I'm just so grateful that you're here Alice and back in my life. I just...wanted to...you know, say that I love you and all that" I whispered, looking anywhere but at her. "Aww Bells" she smiled, "I love you too" she said sweetly, pulling me to her and hugging me tightly, a little too tightly, "Alice...need to breathe."I rasped.

"Oh sorry, got a little carried away there." She grinned as she released me. "What have you been dreaming about Bella? You slept so long, what has brought all this on? Are you all right?" She asked softly, with a genuine look of concern upon her gentle face.

"Yeah I'm fine Alice, in fact I feel really good. I feel like I've got the opportunity for a new beginning, you know, an opportunity to forget the past and to start again."

"Bella, I'm so glad. It's good to see you smile again. You know you really do look different, it's like the spark is back in your eyes again, and I'm so glad, I've missed it Bella, I've missed you" She said earnestly, her beautiful golden eyes piercing mine with their love and intensity. I smiled eagerly back "I've missed you too" I said hugging her fiercely.

"Hate to break up the D&M girlies," Came Emmett's booming voice as he barged into the room, bouncing onto the bed and causing it to groan loudly in protest. "But Esme has made breakfast for you downstairs Bella when you're ready" he grinned and then whispered "Although it smells and looks like shit though; give me a grizzly any day."

"Emmett!" I heard both Alice and Esme exclaim, as I chuckled quietly, launching myself at Em, he grabbed me at the same time wrapping me up in his massive arms. "Aww luv ya too you big grizzly bear." I chuckled as he hugged me tightly and then hoisted me easily over his shoulder and ran down the stairs with me loudly squealing in delight. He finally lowered me to a stool at the breakfast bench where I could catch my breath. However, my giggles died on my lips when I looked up and caught the look of pure joy and love on the face of Esme across from me. She gave me a wide and heartfelt smile, lighting up the room and whispered "It's good to hear that beautiful laugh of yours again Bella, I thought I may never have the joy of hearing it again." She smiled as she crossed to me, softly caressing my cheek before nudging a plate of bacon and eggs towards me. I blushed with all the attention and gave her a soft smile before whispering thanks and turning to the food.

It was delicious but I couldn't really focus upon it, I was too busy surreptitiously looking around the room. I was looking for him, I had to prepare myself for what would happen if I actually saw him, but Alice made me jump in surprise when she whispered softly next to me, "He's not here." I hadn't even realised she was sitting next to me, damn sneaky vampires I thought. "Who?" I tried to feign innocently, but Alice just rolled her eyes at me, silently implying: _Bella, really, you're going to try and pull that one?_

"Yeah" I chuckled, blushing, "Sorry."

"Well you're only human" she chuckled back, but then turned serious. "Um he thought it best that he wasn't here when you woke up. He thought it would be best to give you some space after what happened on the jetty. He just wanted to do what was best for you Bella, he always has" she finished with a whisper. I looked at her, absorbing her words, but I couldn't talk about this with her, not just yet, I still needed more time. Luckily she left it at that and I finished my breakfast, I was famished and had greedily demolished the whole plate. "Esme thank you, that was absolutely delicious, just what I needed."

"You're welcome Bella. It was my pleasure. I love cooking for you, I have missed it greatly." She murmured softly, the sorrow of our time apart reflected in her eyes, only to be replaced by what could only be hope. "But now that you have returned I look forward to cooking for you more often. You certainly could do with some home cooked meals Bella" she smiled, hugging my thin body to her side as I smiled back. At that moment Carlisle entered the room, looking as young as ever. He smiled brightly when he saw me in Esme's arms, but it faded when he took in Esme's worries over my weight and when he looked deeply into my eyes. I could tell he was still worried about me; I tried to put a happy smile on my face, desperately trying to convey that everything was alright, that it will be okay, but he saw right through me, as always. He made his way in front of me, tentatively taking my hand in his cold one. "Bella you look well-rested. How do you feel?"

"Much better. I'm sorry about...you know, flipping out..." Carlisle cut me off, "Bella you have nothing to be sorry for, it's fine. We're just so glad that you're here. But I'm still worried about you. You're still so thin and although you do look better, I can still see there's something wrong, something holding you back..."

I half huffed and half chuckled "It's called a broken heart, you can't fix those can you?" I chuckled trying to make it a joke, but unfortunately no one got it. I sighed, "I'm okay, I'm better than I was put it this way. I will get there, please don't worry about me." I whispered. "Don't worry" Carlisle almost snorted, "Bella you are part of this family, you're our daughter; of course we're going to worry. We only want what's best for you, we want you to be happy" He smiled.

"And I will be, I promise, I just need a little more time, please" I asked.

"Of course Bella" He nodded, softly caressing my cheek, "But we just want to make sure that it does happen eventually. A soul as beautiful as yours deserves to smile and laugh again" He smiled down at me, his golden eyes conveying nothing but love. "And it will Carlisle. I will" I smiled. He looked down at me for a few more seconds, finding the truth behind my words and softly kissed my forehead. "I hope it is sooner rather than later Bella." He smiled at me before releasing me to embrace Esme and I couldn't help but smile at the love shining form their eyes, I vowed to myself then and there that I would have that, I would find a love like that, for I feared that was what I needed to make me whole again.

***************

Alice finally took me home, dropping me off out the front as she had an early class to get to. It felt good to be home, or the best home I could make in the circumstances, but I was honest enough with myself to admit that I would miss being with the Cullen's. I couldn't explain it, but I felt more together there, like my life was slightly more in focus when I was with them. They had bid me a hug-filled goodbye, practically begging me to promise to return and not to run-away. I reassured them that I would be back, that I couldn't stay away from Esme's cooking. They had all smiled, but I could still see their wariness and uncertainty behind those grins, they were worried and would look out for me, which I felt comforted by. If I was honest with myself, I had missed that feeling of their protection over the past couple of months, but I also hated that they doubted me. I was telling the truth, I didn't think I could honestly stay away after finally having them back in my life, I wouldn't let them go and there's no way I would willing not see them again. God it's only 10.30 in the morning and my brain already hurts! I need to stop over thinking things! I sighed roughly as I made my way up the stairs to mine and Ange's room.

I walked in and stopped dead in my tracks, shocked by the sight before me; there were bags and boxes of every colour and description everywhere, some with very familiar brand names elegantly scrawled across them. I called out to Ange and when she appeared I asked "What's going on?" As I gestured to the man made mountain in our apartment. She gave me an uncertain grin saying "A man turned up the other day and said he had a package for you, so I signed for it and then all these men just started bringing in pile after pile of bags and boxes." She said looking astonished. "Bella I couldn't help myself, I was so curious I had to sneak a peek. What's with all the clothes and accessories? Do you know who they're from?" She asked curiously, clearly baffled. "I have some idea" I muttered, "Was there a note?" I asked. "Umm yeah there was!" She said as she waded through a mountain of bags and boxes, finally holding the card up in joy of actually finding it. I ran over to her and grabbed it, eagerly tearing it open; anxious for what kind of possible explanation she would've come up with. It was simple and shouldn't have surprised me:

_I love you. I'm just making up for lost time. Please accept them from the bottom of my heart. _

_P.S I took all the tags off just in case!_

_Luv ya. See you in class, now go to your happy place and smile Bells._

_Alice xxoo_

I huffed, was there anything she didn't think of – clearly not. I guess that was one of the perks of being able to see the future. See you in class indeed! Speaking of which, I was going to be late if I didn't get a move on. I began the task of clambering my way through the bags and boxes to my room, only tripping twice. I made my way to my closet, pulling on some dark jeans and a royal blue, button up shirt. There was no way I was giving Alice the satisfaction of seeing me wear something she had bought me, she'd just have to wait until I had decided what I would do with them. It was too generous, too much, but then that was Alice and her pure heart. I quickly ran my brush through my hair and picked my way to the front door, yelling over my shoulder to Ange that I would see her tonight. I really had to spend some time with her and catch up. I knew she was concerned about where I had been and with Edward showing up. She had that look in her eye, we needed a D&M and I had a feeling she was most definitely going to corner me tonight. So if only I could work out what I was thinking and feeling, I could then try and covey it to her!

***********

As I carefully walked across the quad on my way to class, for some unknown reason I felt there was a force pulling me to look to my right. As I finally did, I was suddenly met by topaz eyes. Eyes so beautiful that they could belong to none other than him. And to realise that he still had this power over me, that drew me to him, was astounding. I quickly looked away, breaking eye contact and took a few more steps before tentatively looking back towards his eyes through the shield of my long hair. He was still there, his golden eyes staring intently into my depths, with a look of...love? upon his eyes and I struggled to look away from him, to break the hold he had upon me, it felt familiar...it felt...

"Bella" a familiar voice suddenly called my name. I abruptly broke eye contact with Edward and turned towards the voice.

"Jacob! What are you doing here?" I exclaimed in shock. "Well I'm happy to see you too Bells" he laughed as I softly punched his shoulder. I launched myself eagerly into his warm embrace, whispering "God I've missed you Jake." He twirled me around and around in his arms, and on the first spin I caught a glimpse of angry topaz eyes upon me. I flinched at the fierceness of his gaze, but by the second spin he was gone, nowhere in sight. I sighed, great one angry Edward, check! But then I thought, what's he have to be angry about, he's got no claim to me, no right...Did I mention that my head hurts!

Jake told me that he was in Seattle to take his Dad to a specialist doctor, and just had a couple of hours to spare while Billy was at the appointment. I asked if everything was okay, he nodded, saying it was just a routine check-up he had every year to monitor his progress. I was glad, because despite what went down with his Billy and the whole Edward vampire thing; he was still like family to me. I told Jake I had a class to go to, but he convinced me it was healthy to ditch once in a while and I too easily agreed. We slipped away to grab some lunch and it was nice to just catch up, like old times. I was comfortable with Jake, my sun and enjoyed him telling me all about back home and what was happening on the Res. Well all except for one thing, we never ever mentioned what happened all those months ago, it was still to fresh and painful for us to even contemplate.

But all too soon it was time for me to get back. I knew I couldn't ditch my next class, it was his and he had already seen me; there was no way I wanted to bring any extra attention upon me by blatantly ditching class, especially one of his. Jake took me back to campus and we shared a hug goodbye, I loved how warm and welcoming he felt, he really was my sun. But as I withdrew from him, I caught a flash of tell-tale bronze hair out of the corner of my eye that could belong only to one person and sighed. He's going to think I'm intentionally bating him isn't he? Crap, let's hope he hadn't seen me...I said bye to Jake and told him I'd see him again when I came home next month.

************

After all that, I was running late for my tutorial- my tutorial with none other than Edward. Of all the classes to be late for, it had to be his didn't it. I finally pushed my way through the door and abruptly stopped in my tracks, it was a small class, but it was overflowing with people in the tiny room. I quickly scanned the room for Alice and found her squished in the back corner, sending me what looked like an apologetic grin for not being able to save me a seat. As I scanned the rest of the room I found the only spare seat in the room, the seat just so happened to be...right next to my tutor, right next to Edward. The same Edward whose eyes were boring intently into to mine. My heart fluttered, finally prompting me to move and I offered a whispered "Sorry" to the room, before making my way towards what felt like my fate...

I gingerly sat in my seat, well more like flopped into it, I was hardly graceful being this nervous. And in such close confines to him, with his scent pulling at my fragile heart strings, I was a nervous wreck. I could literally fell the tension and anger reverberating off of him, he was too still, too tense. I glimpsed at him out of the corner of my eye, seeing his left hand grasping tightly onto the steel leg of the table between us. I faintly heard it twisting and fracturing under his grip and I looked around the room to see if anyone else had noticed. But everyone else was absorbed by the student reading prose out loud so no one noticed the precarious situation evolving in front of them. If he didn't stop and calm down, he was going to hurt someone or expose himself for what he was. I had to do something; I had to find a way to ease his tension. I felt horrible that it was my presence that was so painful for him, I hated that I was causing him pain.

I gingerly moved my right hand from my lap under the table and tentatively reached over to softly graze my fingers over his. I gently squeezed his hand that was gripping the table so tightly and I saw him flinch and look at me intently from the corner of my eye, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I couldn't take the risk of possibly seeing the pain, hurt or even disgust that might be there. To tell you the truth, I didn't know what I would see, what his reaction would be. I was so unsure at the moment about him and where I stood. He had confessed he still loved me, but was that the truth? Or was he telling me the truth when he left me? I didn't know what to think or believe anymore.

He was still gripping the desk so firmly and I was just about to admit defeat and pull away when I subtly felt his grip loosen and some of the visible tension leave his body. He gave a soft sigh, and I didn't know if it was a sigh of defeat? Relief? Of love? Seriously, did I mention my head hurts! His fingers carefully moved, slowly releasing his tight grip upon the desk leg and I thought my job was done. He wouldn't expose himself to the class now and I made to withdraw my hand, only to be suddenly stopped by his cold, hard fingers gently grabbing mine. I gasped softly and couldn't help myself turning to meet his intent topaz eyes. Only they weren't the topaz eyes of this morning, they were dark, intent, focused and full of...desire and my body shivered in response. He tentatively smiled at me and I kind of smiled/grimaced back, I was so confused and I rapidly looked away trying to organise my flying thoughts.

But no matter what, I couldn't deny the pleasure and reassuring sensation of being held in his grasp. My body instantly felt relaxed and reassured, like it was home with his touch. I sighed softly as his grip tightened, his fingers entwining with mine as he pulled them further under the table and placed our joined hands on top of his thigh. We both sighed in shared pleasure at the sensation, and I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face, and it only grew wider when I glimpsed his equal grin out of the corner of my eye. God I felt like a giggling school girl with her first boyfriend. What is wrong with me? I took a deep breath, ordering my body to calm down. But as I looked around the room, trying to escape my "Edward bubble" the first thing I glimpsed was Alice's beaming grin of delight and the grin went straight back upon my face. Only to be spurred on further when Edward gently squeezed my hand tighter, his thumb gently and soothingly, caressing the soft and sensitive skin of my hand and I barely managed to restrain the purr of satisfaction that was so eager to escape me.

What does this mean? His touch? His smile? All of this? I didn't want to get my hopes up, but my shattered heart couldn't help itself from sparking to life with the beacon of hope his gentle touch inspired within me. Maybe his words of love had some truth within them, maybe he didn't despise me after all, maybe he really did love me...

* * *

So what did you think? Leave me an early Christmas present and review my lovelies! xoxo

Finally I want to wish everyone a happy Christmas and a safe New Year! Also have a drink for me on New Year's day to celebrate my Birthday too ;D Cheers!

Luv Morgs xoxo


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